Most people aren't doing this one, because it's quite a personal question, but I am going to do it, and hope that you will be able to empathize with me, all you mothers out there.
We moved to Flagstaff after Izzy was born. Like, RIGHT after. Like we practically got KICKED out of our Cedar City house and was homeless for a while. John lived in a hotel, and I lived with my mom for like 2 weeks, with my month old and my 2 year old. NOT IDEAL. It was stressful bad. Izzy was my first experience with post pardom depression. I SO lucked out with Lily, and didn't have it.
So you take moving with a newborn, post pardom depression, packing, unpacking, and having no friends and no social outlets whatsoever, and you ARE going to crack.
It was naptime, I was SO TIRED and I'm sure depressed and feeling like I wanted to crawl into bed and die. Izzy was sleeping like a good baby, for once. Lily usually slept 2-3 hours at the time, but not this day, oh no. She kept getting up and waking me up out of my almost sleep, which is the most frustrating thing in the world. I eventually freaked out. I picked her up by her shoulders and yelled at her in her face that she WAS going to sleep and that she's better not get up again or I'd spank her. Something along those lines. I just remember, holding her up to my face and yelling at her. She was 2 years old. Now that I look back I realize that my behavior when we moved was very selfish. It never even occurred to me that SHE was adjusting to a new home, no friends AND a new baby. I did nothing to make any transition easier for her. I was having to hard of a time myself. Luckily, it appeared that she adjusted to Izzy very well from all of my pre-birth preparation.
I know that it's 'okay' that I did this, as long as I realized that it was wrong, and never do it again. Which I do. I completely do. I know that parents do worse, I know that I could've done worse in my state. But the memory of holding my sweet little 2 year old up in the air to yell in her face will be something that will always haunt me forever.
Geez Camilla, you just made me cry! And, I hate to admit, I've said and don't things to my children, that I completely regret. Oh, by the way, I totally blog stalk you, since I ditched facebook! Hope that's ok!
ReplyDeleteSarah
Oh Camilla. I do empathize, and I'm proud of you and who you are becoming!
ReplyDeleteMan, I love that you shared this. You are seriously brave. No one wants things they are ashamed of out in the open. But I think you are right; that most people, mothers especially, will empathize with you. I, for one, can't imagine how difficult it must've been at that time.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a sad story, more for you than Lily. I bet she has no memory of it at all.
ReplyDeleteI imagine most moms have moments that they aren't proud of, I know I do.
I understand! I really do! Like Rae, I can empathize.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a good mom, Camilla.
I can relate to this story too and think you are brave for doing it. It's impossible to be the perfect mom, but you are an excellent one that is human too. :)
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