This week, I have been experiencing MONDO anxiety. It has been real crappy for me, let me tell ya. I thought that it was probably just the whole hormone changing thing because I'm getting close to ovulation time again, so I was just going to try and ride it out. But I have decided against riding it out. All day yesterday I was just in a panic inside all day. A panic over...nothing. I just felt so anxious and horrible all day. To solve the solution I went to bed early. That was a no go. I woke up about 3 am or so and there it was again...panic attack. I got out of bed and checked my e-mail and did all kinds of 'computer things' to try and take my mind off of it. Then I decided to take a hot relaxing shower. THEN I decided the best thing to do was read my scriptures. It was very hard to get my brain to slow down long enough to process the words on the page, but eventually, it worked. I was back in bed at 5 am. Then I got up with Maya at 6 am, and the alarm went off at 7. John stayed home until after lunch today. He doesn't understand what I'm going through, but he supports me in my crazy. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to be married to me at this point. Anyway, John has made a crazy lady appointment for me at 4pm tomorrow. I guess they'll probably up my Zoloft.
Speaking of Zoloft, I am on Zoloft, Cytomel, and Lithothyroxine. Those last two are for my stupid low thyroid that keeps me fat no matter what I do. Being on 3 prescription meds. at age 29 makes me feel like a HUGE failure in life, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I have no choice. If my thyroid is too low, I'm not fertile, and not being on anti-depressants could have severe consequences as well. Go me!
Let me try and lighten the mood here with a story about my kids...cause kids are great! Tonight during dinner Lily and Izzy were totally fighting (nothing new). And I said, "do you guys want me to start singing?" Aka singing a church song aka love at home or something obnoxious like that. And Izzy goes, "mom, that would just make me start dancing!" And then I was thankful for sweet kids that make me laugh.
Disclaimer: Not that I think Love at Home is an obnoxious song, just that it's obnoxious when parents sing it to there fighting kids.
Ugg. I am sorry, Camilla. I HATE when I feel that way. I hope you can get some relief. And you can't help it, so don't feel bad about having to take meds, k? Alright, now THAT'S straightened out. ;)
ReplyDeleteKids can be a lifesaver sometimes.
I don't think you should feel like a failure. I think it's good that you're doing something about it, if that needs to be meds, oh well. Maybe I wouldn't have been such a post-pardom crazy if I had taken meds. So DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was panic-attackish awhile back I listened to a book on tape. It seemed to give my head something to focus on besides the spinning freaking out thoughts. It helped a lot.
I HATED when dad sang Love at Home when we were fighting. lol. I'm glad it would make Izzy dance, that is FUNNY!
I'm sorry your hormones are kicking your arse. :( Really sorry. It's the worst.
Oh Camilla. I'm so sorry for you right now.
ReplyDeleteI used to have those panic attacks and super mega anxiety. I felt like there was a wave (a freakin ha-UGE wave) headed right for me and it was totally gonna swallow me up.
I was lucky enough to make a few changes in my life to make things run a little smoother for me.
Like:
exercise
paxil
therapy
"feeling good" by David D. Burns
To mention a few.
Glad you are willing to do something about it, good luck at your crazy lady appointment!
It will be ok, and it will get better!!!
I could easily second what your sister said (she's bradleyfam, right?)! I think it's wonderful that you are aware of your struggles and being proactive in trying to deal with them!
ReplyDelete